Resilience refers to the ability to recover from adversity with hope, self-compassion and opportunity for growth.
If everyone had more resilience, we'd have less depression and anxiety, less self-harm, less harm of others, less stress-related illness, less pessimism and despair.
What does it look like and how do we cultivate it?
A resilient *parent* can handle adversity, cope with uncertainty and challenge, embrace Plan B (or C!) through cultivating self-regulation, awareness of thoughts and emotions, and practicing mindfulness in the moment to thrive in life, not just react to life.
The *child* of a resilient parent learns resilience through mutual regulation, becoming curious and aware of feelings that precede actions, putting things into perspective with a parent's help, and expanding the capacity to cope with disappointment, frustration and vulnerable emotions.
A resilient *marriage* has developed shock absorbers on the partnership journey, the capacity to ride the bumps, roll the boulders out of the way, dismantle roadblocks together without blame and shame, and enjoy the ride detours and all.
A resilient *family* has learned to bounce back or restore its core in the aftermath of hardship, conflict, adversity or loss, and is stronger despite and BECAUSE of these challenges.
Resilience--in the workplace, in the classroom, in organizations--is key to flourishing, growth, innovation and engagement.
Resilience researcher Karen Reivich and Andre Shatte, authors of The Resilience Factor, suggest we detect our "icebergs."
Every activating thought or belief potentially has an iceberg
Think of the iceberg as everything below "see" level. 
So, let's say you feel triggered and angry that nobody is "listening" to you. The iceberg beneath that statement holds all the underlying reasons and issues that are out of your immediate conscious awareness.
Once you start asking yourself, "Why is this upsetting to me?" and drilling down deeper, you get at the iceberg of emotion driving that feeling/thought/reaction.
--What is it about that that's upsetting to me?
--What does that mean to me?
--Assuming that is true, what is it
about that that’s upsetting me?
--What about that is upsetting to me?
You can add to this iceberg inquiry your own further exploration.
For example, how long have I been getting triggered by this?
When do I first recall that this upset me?
Who do I associate with these feelings and reactions when I was growing up?
What is my pattern of perceiving, feeling and responding?
This can guide inquiry of our loved ones too as long as we don't slip into interrogation.
Inquiry is a process of curiosity fueled by compassion.
We don't ask so that we place another person under a microscope.
We don't ask for the purpose of probing.
Icebergs are hiding.
They're there because we have learned to keep the bulk of our pain under wraps and out of view.
Often, out of our own view too.
We must approach with love, not caution.
We ask because we want to learn.
We learn because we want to grow.
We grow because we want to love better.
We learn, love and grow because we want to truly live.
--Lu Hanessian
